Updated: Sep 14, 2020
TRIGGER WARNING - This story is about my last suicide attempt and how I found my hope and my desire to live. This is the story of my rebirth. I have created a conceptual video to visually share with you what was in my mind during that time.
Drowning in my own blood of self infliction and self sabotage.
I am sharing because it is National suicide prevention month and if I can share with you my one moment that almost ended my existence and you can find some hope that it doesn't have to, then I live for the purpose I survived for.
My story is no different than yours, except that I have truly found my way, most of the time in my life. Not everyday is rainbows and sunshine but I've changed my narrative to be that as often as I can. I have survived a genocide, abusive home, eating disorders, depression and multiple suicide attempts. Five years ago was my last and final try to end the existence that is before you and it was my REBIRTH.
I allowed a human being to place a knife in my hands through their words and their narrative of me.
I was nothing... I was useless and bigger than that I was a "negative" impact to society. I was at my last straw... "hey I'll call you later, don't worry about it"...And they never called me back. They never spoke to me again.
I was washing my dishes, my four year old was in his play area. The room, the light, everything turned to darkness until my mind reflected the image of nothing but the blood draining from my body... The color disappearing. . My life fading. I am standing in front of this image of black but the only words written are NOTHING. This is how it's supposed to be.
I'm nothing. Be nothing.
As this is happening in my mind, my body had slid to the floor and the water was still running, now overflowing slightly down my back. Tears streaming and I'm screaming "I'm nothing" completely unaware of my existence.
Then small hands grab my face, "mommy why are you crying? It's ok. It's just a boo boo."
As I cried "I can't. I can't."
He said " try". "Just try."
My vision cleared, I registered where I was, I saw the knife in my left hand. I hid it away as far as could and hugged him.
I was gone that day. I was going to die because I had made the decision, an unconscious decision.
That weekend I was so ashamed, guilt ridden, afraid, sorry for everything. I asked myself... "What is wrong with you? Why are you like this? What can't you be normal?".
That weekend I had a nightmare paralysis, a conscious one. I've had them before but nothing I remembered mentally, only physically.
This one forced me to make a choice in life. I was on the deepest darkest stillness of nothing and held on to nothing. Screamed and nothing came out.
Nothing. All I thought I was. Death is nothing. I did not want to die.
I said that...as loud as I could muster and still no sound. I screamed louder and louder. I couldn't breathe. I could not breathe. All I wanted to do was breathe.
This was it.. this was death.
Endless nothing. It was like the water was filling up but there was no water. Just a black void. I had to take my last breath...with that I took my last breath with a scream of I don't want to die!!!
I shot up out of my bed, exhaling the most peaceful breath of my life.
I WANTED to live.
That meant dealing with everything. My past, which I have no mental memory of, only physical and emotional. Of my present, the damaged goods I felt, and of my future, the power and confidence I wanted to posses.
I had no idea where to start except try therapy, again. I despised therapy because there was always something "wrong" and the fix was medication. I had tried them all but they didn't "fix" me. They zombied me. One last time I tried and I found one that tried different therapies and worked with the patient at their pace. By the way, no, insurance did not cover because the type of therapist I wanted, there was only one in my city.
This changed my mind on therapy. It was necessary, but it was not created for everyone.
That same weekend, my son asked me to body paint him a character from a video game, and in my mind... All I do is makeup... What am I gonna be able to create? And when I protested, he gently reminded me, I promised to try.
So, I tried.
I tried and I succeeded.
I will never forget how we tried and we succeeded. I didn't know I couldn't paint until that moment. I didn't know I was a creator, and I didn't acknowledge it for another 2 years after, because how could I possibly be an artist of my time. No education or experience in art. But I did have it all in life. Artists are expressionists of their lives.
A year later, I asked my therapist why am I so afraid??? Why am I so afraid to succeed?
She said " I don't know how to help you. You are doing everything I know how to show you. You have to answer that." She was right. I left that appointment for the last time. I searched and searched and nothing would stick expect creating. 2 years later, I took a trip to Washington DC with my son... And in that moment has ten min of clarity.
Change your narrative.
What I didn't mention is that my trauma and my demons step from a time and a life I don't know. I couldn't claim or acknowledge what I didn't know. That was my fear.
So, I changed my narrative. I looked into cognitive behavioral therapy, expressive art therapy (which neither are really practiced here and if they are...not affordable) but I did it anyway.
I had vision in 2017 and I had to make it happen. After I changed my narrative, meaning I changed what, who, where and why, I listened, watched, followed or lead, there was one human who clicked something for me.
Gary V asked himself at 30 "What do I want?".
At 29 I asked myself that, and I saw it. I saw Project H. I had no idea what it would be or mean, but I sketched it out, wrote it out and planned it... In 2 hours. And on my 30th I wanted to gift myself the gift of breath.
I was done surviving. I wanted to live.
I gifted myself my own non profit for mental and emotional health called Project Human Inc. -PHInc. A new way to think about mental health. 3 years later, to today... I am living. I am living beautifully. I struggle with myself still daily as that will be a lifetime fight.
Here is what I have learned.
I am not broken. No one is. You cannot break light. If we are born in the light and are made in the images of our creators (whatever they may be) then you my dear are not broken because you cannot break light.
You can shadow it and you can shadow it until it's so dark that it seems impossible to see.
But the light is there.
I realized my breath mattered to my son. It had to matter to me. I had to matter to me.
I had another moment where I spoke that moment into existence.
I am reclaiming all I've lost.
Life is about the learning of one self and our actions and reactions which in turn cause the social and universal reaction.
Because of that, your breath matters more than you will ever know in your lifetime.
I found my purpose and that is to create. Whatever that is, however that is.
Anything that is done is a creation. Something as simple as washing the dishes or laundry and being aware of every actions and reaction of that moment.
I want to leave you with this.
Write your accomplishments of the day down for one week. ALL ACCOMPLISHMENTS. No matter how big or small.
You did it.
You will see how much you are already doing.
The key thing I learned was that mental and emotional health requires investment in to the human with time to allow that human to process at their own space and time themselves.
I took that time and invested in me when no one else wanted.
You matter. Your existence matters. Share kind words and encourage others.
This helped me so much in days where I was the lowest. I thrive in the existence of another human. Their breath is happiness to me and that is the deepest truth of me.
Today, I get to proudly talk about this and share this with you guys. Thank you for taking the time to read it. I hope you truly find some hope and light for your dark roads.
Remember this... I do not know you, have never met you, but I love you and I love your existence. Thank you. -AH
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**We are not medical professionals.
If you need immediate assistance call 911.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:1- 800-273-8255