I tend to fall down a hole in which I let myself know how far I did not make it and how much work I did not do. How so many around me are so much further and so much more than me. I sit in that hole not wanting to get up, then I start to think I can't make it.
That is when it hits me. The rope. This hard long rope hits me so hard that it reminds me I have built my way out of my hole. I have climbed out of it before. Each time I climb out the rope doesn't seem as long of a climb as it was before.
I relapse a lot in my mind and I used to be so harsh on myself for that relapse, now I have learned, it's ok.
Relapse is not a bad word. Relapse means a deterioration in someone's state of health after a temporary improvement. Sometimes we can be good for so long and fall so hard and honestly believe that our fall/deterioration, our relapse in a moment is the end of the world.
I have learned to use the words that I like in my mind to make sense of my life and my health. Rehabilitation and relapse are two words I use daily.
I am in rehabilitation for my mind, soul, and body. I have 30 years of trauma I am supposed to rehabilitate in 30 min or 30 days. No, I am in rehabilitation for the rest of my foreseeable future. Knowing that I am helping myself with no EXPERATION date is freeing. It makes me want to be better every day.
I relapsed yesterday. I went there. I went there hard. I reflected and FELT like a failure because my "old" narrative told me that I should have, could have, would have, had I done this, done that. Had I been more accommodating and more giving. How could I have given more for the return of what is going to be inevitably? I felt as if I was used, abused, and thrown out like nothing ever mattered to anyone or anything. I allowed myself to stop MY TIME and see what the world was like without me... it went on and I didn't. Then I exhaled.
That is when I started laughing at myself because I KNEW that the rope hanging is not meant to be my death but my way out.
The statement " what could I have given more to receive " is what was wrong with my narrative. I FELT OWED and DUE for the things that I did not need to be owed and due. I FELT resentment and anger, judgement, and cynicism.
Once I recognized that is not WHO I AM and HOW I FEEL I grabbed the rope to get out instead of doing any harm to me or others.
That rope can be words, hands, weapons anything tangible to execute the feeling.
I chose my rope, and I chose strong words that had GRIP and that I could see myself climbing out of.
The conversation was then... you are not owed anything you have freely given. You are not owed anything even from you. You do not owe yourself anything. Nothing to prove. Only exist.
The feelings of anger and damnation went and in came realization I was sitting on the floor of my closet, crying, and letting it all out. The rope I needed to grab became solid and I stood up and walked on and did my business.
I share with you so that you know and understand that those of us with the stronger wills to want to be here did not get here overnight and nor is this now finished. New battles and new challenges are here and new paths of resolutions.
Learning that MY TIME is my time and not anyone else's makes it hard to let go of things because we want to be wanted and needed. We want to be involved especially when we have given so much of our time... but that is that again. FREELY GIVEN.
Freely given means freely giving up something as well.
I am not owed anything. Nor am I entitled to anything. My time is just that, my time. That time is now.
Your time is yours and your time is now.
It is ok to have bad MOMENTS but do not allow them to dig the hole deeper and it be a bad DAY, WEEK or YEARS.
It’s not easy, but it is not as hard as we THINK it is either.
-AH